HSExpertise Quotes

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This blog enshrines the breathtaking truisms of the one and only Homestuck Expert, lover of Kanaya and hearty scrotes.

This collection of memorable quotations is not facetious or satirical in nature. Unless otherwise noted, it can be assumed that every word spoke by our inestimable Expert is 100% genuine and delivered with utmost sincerity.

2 months ago (4 notes)

" being afraid won’t make your body any less of a floppy fleshy ragdoll that can be dashed on a rocky outcropping easier than a dudebro could compress a beer can on his forehead
you’ll get better
if you don’t get better, you’ll die
it’s a win/win!"

HSE

3 months ago (7 notes)

#chat

<HSE>	[key parties for old people sound] like the perfect social gathering for hooker-strangling serial killers
<c1QfXUgcGY0>	HSE: you say that about everything
<HSE>	what
<HSE>	no I don’t
<HSE>	imagine how easily someone could waltz right into a room, sedate a geriatric pervert, and smother them to death with a pillow
<HSE>	just putting that out there

3 months ago (9 notes)

#chat

<HSE>	ipgd!
<ipgd>	hi
<HSE>	now that you're here I can tell you about your role in my dream last night
<ipgd>	ok
<HSE>	hold on a second I have an entire text file on this
<HSE>	it is the beginning of a savory dream journal
<HSE>	In this dream I had a very small, golden "flared chance" dildo from Bad Dragon
<HSE>	very small
<HSE>	I planted it in a flowerpot and surrounded it with dirt and gravel, as one would plant a flower
<HSE>	Suddenly four tiny minecraft-style lava sourceblocks erupt from the corners of the flare and pour down the sides in a straight line
<HSE>	I apply water to the dildo and the lava turns to cobblestone pillars
<HSE>	I remove the dildo from the flowerpot, bring it to my bathroom sink, and peel the cobblestone off
<HSE>	the cobblestone takes a layer of "gold" with it and I find out that the dildo is really covered in some shitty sulfur substitute somehow
<HSE>	I bring the dildo to ipgd's room- because in this dream ipgd is taking residence in the west wing of my home -and place it on her bed
<HSE>	immediately afterward a small, transluscent off-white hamsterball of marijuana appears in my hands and I place that behind her pillow as well
<HSE>	the dream ends
<HSE>	what did you think ipgd

3 months ago (2 notes)

#quote
#porrim

"if Porrim looked like Nadine Jensen and was suspended from six feet in the air, facing the ground, how satisfying do you think the sound of her breasts sizzling and slowly tearing loose of her torso to slop of wetly would be to your sensibility"

HSE

3 months ago

#chat

<HSExpertise>	why can't everyone just put aside their differences and hate sex like I do
<HSExpertise>	is that (and possibly a reduced need for covert and borderline guerilla operations) so much to ask

3 months ago

#chat

<HSE>	foulfagus: can you answer my query
<HSE>	[19:43] <HSE> what possible reason could I ever have for writing such a thing?
<FoulFagus>	um, for people to read
<FoulFagus>	i've never see you write anything when you weren't super mad
<HSE>	for a sexual purpose, no doubt! you think I want to ENTERTAIN the enemy in anything less than unavoidable and dire circumstances?
<HSE>	this is for a simple reason foulfagus
<HSE>	I am always angry, all the time
<HSE>	I would have little reason to write something if I wasn't angry
<HSE>	to be perfectly clear I would have absolutely ZERO desire to feed the anti-social BEAST that undermines the decency of our very species as we are speaking
<HSE>	do you understand?

3 months ago (1 note)

#chat
#homestuck
#porrim
#porrim maryam

<FoulFagus>	HSE you should write a fic
<HSE>	no I shouldn't
<FoulFagus>	about torturing Porrim and Calliope
<HSE>	no, fuck no!
<FoulFagus>	also btw http://archiveofourown.org/works/629267
<HSE>	disregard that link
<FoulFagus>	wait before you said you would painfully burn Porrim's vag off but then kill her painlessly
<HSE>	what possible reason could I ever have for writing such a thing?
<HSE>	foulfagus: I retracted that merciful activity when I recalled that it is improper to treat an unperson untruthfully
<HSE>	Porrim is not a person, even as a fictional character. She does not have rights or emotions that matter
<HSE>	Torturing Porrim to death is akin to stomping on a palmetto beetle in a creative and vicious way

3 months ago (4 notes)

#quote

"I WOULD TYPE AN INSULT RIGHT NOW BUT MY FINGERS ARE QUIVERING TOO VIGOROUSLY FOR IT TO COME OUT WITHOUT STUTTERING"

HSE

3 months ago

#quote

"is it possible to knock out a male’s testicular function by one or two extremely high doses of anabolic steroids over a SHORT period?"

HSE

3 months ago (2 notes)

#quote

"hunter: if it makes you feel better, I would shave your face and dump all of the hair into your favorite pasta"

HSE

Theme: Linear by Peter Vidani

" being afraid won’t make your body any less of a floppy fleshy ragdoll that can be dashed on a rocky outcropping easier than a dudebro could compress a beer can on his forehead you’ll get better if you don’t get better, you’ll die it’s a win/win!"

"if Porrim looked like Nadine Jensen and was suspended from six feet in the air, facing the ground, how satisfying do you think the sound of her breasts sizzling and slowly tearing loose of her torso to slop of wetly would be to your sensibility"

"I WOULD TYPE AN INSULT RIGHT NOW BUT MY FINGERS ARE QUIVERING TOO VIGOROUSLY FOR IT TO COME OUT WITHOUT STUTTERING"

"is it possible to knock out a male’s testicular function by one or two extremely high doses of anabolic steroids over a SHORT period?"

"hunter: if it makes you feel better, I would shave your face and dump all of the hair into your favorite pasta"

" being afraid won’t make your body any less of a floppy fleshy ragdoll that can be dashed on a rocky outcropping easier than a dudebro could compress a beer can on his forehead
you’ll get better
if you don’t get better, you’ll die
it’s a win/win!"